Cronin & Company

Imaginary diaries of cats and dogs

A number of writers have passed along the imaginary diaries of cats and dogs, noting differences in the canine and feline views of the world. These differences also seem to come into play when I am drawing illustrations for quotation cards. Dogs: simple and happy. Cats: wry and sardonic.

 

The Dog's Diary

8:00AM - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30AM - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40AM - A walk! My favorite thing!

10:30AM - Got petted! My favorite thing!

12:00PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

1:00PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00PM - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

 

The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of My Captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more that willing to return. He has obviously been brainwashed. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now. . .

Fond Farewells

With the last day of January, the year loses much of its newness. As a fond farewell, I've listed the good-byes that a friend found and forwarded to me. They were taken from a list posted on a schoolroom door:

• See you later, alligator!
• After while, crocodile!
• In a hour, sunflower!
• Maybe two, kangaroo!
• Gotta go, buffalo!
• Adios, hippos!
• Chow chow, brown cow!
• See you soon, baboon!
• Adieu, cockatoo!
• Better swish, jellyfish!
• Chop, chop, lollipop!
• Gotta run, skeleton!
• Bye-bye, butterfly!
• Better shake, rattelsnake!

Our school day now ends, so good-bye good friends!

If there were 15 months in every year

"I'm 65 and I guess that puts me in with the geriatrics. But if there were fifteen months in every year, I'd only be 48." -James Thurber

Happy 117th (or 86th depending on how many months you like in your year) Birthday to one of America's great humorists. Born in Columbus, Ohio, in 1894, Thurber wrote for the Columbus Dispatch, the Chicago Tribune and the New York Evening Post before joining the staff of the New Yorker. His most notable short stories such as"The Secret Life of Walter Mitty", "The Dog That Bit People" and "The Night the Bed Fell", combined fiction and autobiography. 

His career as a cartoonist began in 1930 when fellow New Yorker contributor E.B. White found some of Thruber's drawings in a trash can and submitted them for publication. His simple, surreal drawing style was the partly the result of his poor eyesight and partly a reflection of his view on life. 

"Humor is one of our great natural resources, to be preserved at all costs."

 

I have not yet begun to fight

On September 23rd, 1779, as commander of the US ship Bonhomme Richard, John Paul Jones won a hard-fought battle against the British ships Serapis and Countess of Scarborough.

After inflicting major damage on the Bonhomme Richard, the captain of the Serapis asked Jones if he would surrender. Jones replied with the now-famous "I have not yet begun to fight." After three more hours of fighting, the Serapis and Countess of Scarborough surrendered to Jones. After the victory, the Americans transferred to the Serapis. The next day, Bonhomme Richard sank.

It was many years before John Paul Jones received recognition in the US. A hero in France, he died there in 1792 during the French Revolution and was buried in an unmarked grave. It wasn't until 1905 that his remains were located and brought back for burial at the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis.

Fighting words from FDR

Listening to the pundits, pontificators and prevaricators on today's political scene, its' easy to think that we're at new levels of hyperbole in communications. But politics has always had a good dose of the fantastic. Take today's anniversary of FDR's 1944 defense of his dog Fala:

Roosevelt's Republican opponents had circulated a story saying that he had mistakenly left Fala behind while visiting the Aleutian Islands and sent a Navy destroyer to go back to pick up the dog, costing the taxpayers $20 million. (Back when $20 million was a lot of money)

As part of a campaign dinner address on September 23rd, Roosevelt claimed the right to "object to libelous statements about my dog", accusing his critics (only half-jokingly) of attacking the reputation of a defenseless dog to distract Americans from more pressing issues confronting the country.

Saffir-Simpson in Short

As Irene bears down on the Northeast, meteorologists are keeping track of the storm's wind intensity using the Saffir-Simpson Hurricane Wind Scale, originally developed by wind engineer Herb Saffir and meteorologist Bob Simpson. In general, damage rises by about a factor of four for every category increase. The scale does not address the potential for other hurricane-related impacts such as storm surge, rainfall-induced floods and duration of the wind, all of which can increase the damage.

Category 1: Sustained winds 74-95 mph. Danger from flying debris; possible damage to poorly constructed roofs; damage to awnings, shingles, siding, gutters; broken windows. Large tree branches can snap, shallow rooted trees can topple. Extensive damage to power lines and poles resulting in power outages lasting a few to several days.

Category 2: Sustained winds 96-110 mph. Substantial risk from flying and falling debris. High probability of broken windows from windborne debris. Roof damage, failure of screen-in porches and enclosures. Commercial signage, fences and canopies will be damaged, often destroyed. Falling and broken glass will pose significant danger even after the storm. Many shallowly rooted trees will be snapped or uprooted. Near-total power loss with outages lasting several days to several weeks. Potable water could become scarce as filtration systems fail.

Category 3: Sustained winds 111-130 mph. High risk of injury or death from flying and falling debris. High percentage of roof and siding damage. Complete failure of older metal buildings likely; older unreinforced masonry buildings can collapse. Numerous windows will be blown out of high-rise buildings. Falling and broken glass will pose significant danger even after the storm. Most commercial signage, fences and canopies will be destroyed. Many trees will be snapped and uprooted. Electricity and water will be unavailable for several days to a few weeks.

Category 4: Sustained winds 131-155 mph. Large amounts of windborne debris will be lofted into the air posing very high risk of injury or death. Flying debris will break all unprotected windows and penetrate some protected windows. Even well-built homes can sustain severe damage to to roofs, walls, windows and doors. High percentage of structural damage to top floors of apartment buildings. High percentage of collapse of older unreinforced masonry buildings. Most windows will be blown out of high rise buildings. Falling and broken glass will pose significant danger even after the storm. Nearly all commercial signage, fences and canopies will be destroyed. Most trees will be snapped or uprooted and power poles downed. Power outages wil last weeks, possibly months. Long-term water shortages. Most areas will be uninhabitable for weeks or months.

Category 5: Sustained winds greater than 155 mph. Very high risk of injury or death from falling and flying debris even if indoors in a frame house. Windborne debris will damage all unprotected windows and many protected ones. A high percentage of frame homes, industrial buildings and low rise apartment buildings will be destroyed. Most unreinforced masonry will collapse. Nearly all windows will be blown out of high rise buildings. Falling and broken glass will pose significant danger even after the storm. Nearly all commercial signage, fences and canopies will be destroyed. Most trees will be snapped or uprooted and power poles downed. Power outages wil last weeks, possibly months. Long-term water shortages. Most areas will be uninhabitable for weeks or months.

Too hot

Too hot to sleep, too hot to lie,
Too hot to laugh, too hot to cry,
Too hot to stand, too hot to sit,
Too hot to sew, too hot to knit,
Too hot to ride, too hot to walk,
Too hot to read, too hot to talk,
Too hot to eat, too hot to drink,
Too hot to write, too hot to think,
Too hot to scold, too hot to tease,
Too hot to cough, too hot to sneeze,
Too hot to play, too hot to sing,
Too hot, too hot for anything.

Selected, from Weather Opinions for All Seasons, compiled by Jennie Day Haines, 1907

Buck Moon

The 15th marks this month's full moon. July's full moon was called the Buck Moon by Native Americans of the Northeast and Great Lakes because at this time of the year, the new antlers of the buck deer begin to appear. It has also been called the Thunder Moon because of the thunderstorms common during the summer.

Names for Rain

Befitting a soggy spring in the Northeast, The New York Times ran an extensive list of names for rain. Collected by Ben Schott, author of Schott's Miscellany and other collections of worthwhile trivia, the 135-item list contained both ordinary and obscure pluvial terms. Here are some of the more notable and perhaps useful:

• Bedrabble - to make wet and dirty with rain
• Bicker - the pattering of rain
• Blash - when rain falls in sheets (blow + splash)
• Dagged - wet with dew or light rain
• Driffle - to rain in spare drops
• Drow - a cold misty rain
• Flaught - a sudden burst of wind and rain
• Heat-Drop - a few drops of rain at the start of a hot day
• Hot Gleam - a bright, warm spell between showers
• Impluvious - wet with rain
• Line-Squall - a violent straight blast of cold air with rain or snow
• Mizzle - a very fine misty rain 
• Onion Rain - that which falls late in the spring after the onions have been planted
• Pluvial - characterized by rain
• Scud - a driving shower
• Serein - fine rain that falls out of a cloudless sky
• Sile - to pour down
• Smur - a fine drizzle
• Still Rain - gentle rain with no wind
• Tirl - the sound of rain on a roof
• Travado - a sudden violent storm

 

Almanacs

The Saxons charted the courses of the moon for the whole year so they could predict the phases of the moon and calculate times for planting and festival days. They used foot-long, squared sticks, called al-mon-aught, meaning all-moon-heed, which forms the basis for the word almanac.

Written English almanacs trace their beginning to Oxford, the seat of British science during the Middle Ages. Manuscript almanacs were used as early as 1380; the first printed edition, Sheapheards Kalendar, was published by Richard Pynson in 1497.

Almanacs became popular in England in the 1600s. Skilled mathematicians were employed to construct the astronomical part of the almanacs, but astrologers supplied the supposed planetary influences, the weather predictions and other interesting matters which were required to make the almanacs attractive to the popular mind. A humorous almanac, Poor Robin, first appeared in 1663 for the benefit of the skeptics who ridiculed celestial science. Poet Robert Herrick is said to have assisted in its composition. An entry for January reads, "There will be much frost and cold weather in Greenland."

In 1733 in Philadelphia, Benjamin Franklin published an almanac under the fictitious name of Richard Saunders. Poor Richard's Almanac contained the usual astronomical information as well as "many pleasant and witty verses, jests and sayings." Poor Richard's was a great success and was published for 25 years. A collection of its proverbs, titled The Way to Wealth, had an immense circulation in America and England.

To watch the storms, and hear the sky
Give all our almanacs the lie.
-William Cowper