Cronin & Company

Imaginary diaries of cats and dogs

A number of writers have passed along the imaginary diaries of cats and dogs, noting differences in the canine and feline views of the world. These differences also seem to come into play when I am drawing illustrations for quotation cards. Dogs: simple and happy. Cats: wry and sardonic.

 

The Dog's Diary

8:00AM - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30AM - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40AM - A walk! My favorite thing!

10:30AM - Got petted! My favorite thing!

12:00PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

1:00PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00PM - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

 

The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of My Captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more that willing to return. He has obviously been brainwashed. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now. . .

Names for Rain

Befitting a soggy spring in the Northeast, The New York Times ran an extensive list of names for rain. Collected by Ben Schott, author of Schott's Miscellany and other collections of worthwhile trivia, the 135-item list contained both ordinary and obscure pluvial terms. Here are some of the more notable and perhaps useful:

• Bedrabble - to make wet and dirty with rain
• Bicker - the pattering of rain
• Blash - when rain falls in sheets (blow + splash)
• Dagged - wet with dew or light rain
• Driffle - to rain in spare drops
• Drow - a cold misty rain
• Flaught - a sudden burst of wind and rain
• Heat-Drop - a few drops of rain at the start of a hot day
• Hot Gleam - a bright, warm spell between showers
• Impluvious - wet with rain
• Line-Squall - a violent straight blast of cold air with rain or snow
• Mizzle - a very fine misty rain 
• Onion Rain - that which falls late in the spring after the onions have been planted
• Pluvial - characterized by rain
• Scud - a driving shower
• Serein - fine rain that falls out of a cloudless sky
• Sile - to pour down
• Smur - a fine drizzle
• Still Rain - gentle rain with no wind
• Tirl - the sound of rain on a roof
• Travado - a sudden violent storm

 

E-Greetings or Paper?

Lots of people are sending greetings via e-mail - there were 500 million of them last year. But paper has hardly disappeared. The Greeting Card Association reports that more than 7 billion paper cards were purchased during that time.

Which one to use? A general rule of thumb is that if you want to be quick or informal, send an e-greeting; if you want to be remembered or the occasion is serious, send paper. Some specifics for each occasion:

• Birthday - Either: Casual friends and colleagues on Facebook can get e-greetings. Close friends, and your mom, deserve paper. If you're in business and sending cards to clients, send paper. (Just don't put your logo on the front. It should be a greeting, not an ad.)
• Congratulations - Either: A quick email lets your recipient know you're aware of the good news. A thoughtful follow up card commemorates the occasion.
• Get Well - Either: A quick e-note for a minor illness lets people know you haven't forgotten. A paper card is a welcome visitor for someone who is hospitalized or out for a longer period (and may not have access to email).
• Anniversary - Paper: Keepsake-quality sentiments are much better conveyed on paper. But if you are giving a gift, you may be able to omit the card.
• Sympathy - Paper: E-greetings just won't do for condolences.
• Thank You - Either: A quick email after a dinner at a friend's house arrives while the occasion is still fresh in your host's mind. A more substantial favor or gift requires you to put pen to paper.

How to Write a Get Well Note

A personal get well note is good medicine. A few thoughtful words provide encouragement and let the recipient know that she or he hasn’t been forgotten. A note can also be read at leisure and kept as a permanent reminder that people care.

A good get well note acknowledges what has happened without dwelling on it. Simplicity and treating the person as the same one you have always known work best; even two or three lines can be enough.

Dear Sue,

I was sorry to hear about your hospitalization. I hope you're doing well. Please take care of yourself and get all the rest you need. You're never far from my thoughts and I look forward to seeing you when you're up for visitors.

Sincerely,

Judy

Do

• Treat the recipient as the same person you have always known.
• Handwrite your message if possible. People look for handwritten words in addition to the commercial message in a greeting card.
• For someone who will get well, express your concern for his or her well-being, and send your wishes for recovery. “I hope you’re doing well and are on the road to recovery. We miss you and look forward to seeing you back at the office.”
• For someone who is not going to get well, send your care and concern and relate something personal if possible. “I see you’re getting excellent care. You’re on my mind, especially when I look at the roses you helped me plant last year. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.”
• If you find it difficult to write, Use a phrase such as "I don't know what to say," or "Words are inadequate at a time like this," rather than talking about how difficult it is to write a note
• For someone facing a long illness or who someone needs constant care, write to both patient and caregiver. “I hope the treatments are going well. Please know that I am thinking of both Mary and you.”
• Offer to visit if you can and if you think company would be welcome. Even someone seriously is likely to appreciate a short visit.
• Make a specific offer of help if you are in a position to do so. “I’ll call Friday to see if I can drop off some cookies that your visitors might enjoy.”
• Re-read your note to see how you would feel if you received it.

Don't

• Mention the diagnosis if you haven’t been told officially. Some people prefer to keep their medical matters private.
• Send a get well card to someone who is not going to get well. Choose a card that says “thinking of you’, or send a general, non-greeted card .
• Discuss your own illnesses in detail.
• Impose your view of what should happen. “You should be up and about in no time,” or, “remember to keep a positive attitude.” If the patient does not meet your expectations, she’ll feel she let you down.
• Tell someone "I know how you feel", unless you have been through an identical situation. Even with that, people heal differently.
• Use overly dramatic language, such as "affliction" or "tragedy.”
• Provide the too-general offer of help, "If there is anything I can do, please let me know." It gives a sick person one more decision to face.
• Say anything religious unless you know the patient well and are absolutely sure it will be appropriate.

A Man, A Plan, A Canal: Panama

On August 15, 1914 the Panama Canal was formally opened with the passage of the ship SS Ancon. One of the most difficult engineering projects ever undertaken, the canal cost of $375 million, the most expensive construction project in US history. Still, the final cost was $23 million less than its original estimate, in spite of landslides and a design change to a wider canal. It was also completed two years ahead of schedule. The canal dramatically altered world shipping, cutting the distance from New York to San Francisco in half.

On a decidedly minor note, it also contributed to the world supply of palindromes - those phrases whose letters read the same both forwards and backwards. A man, a plan, a canal: Panama, joins other famous palindromes, including:

• Able was I ere I saw Elba
• Madam in Eden I'm Adam
• Do geese see God?
• Never odd or even
• Go deliver a dare vile dog!
• Murder for a jar of red rum

A Day for Spoonerisms

July 22 marks the birth in 1844 of William Archibald Spooner, a popular albeit absent-minded Oxford don, whose slips of the tongue led to the word spoonerism. Accidental transpositions attributed to him include: blushing crow (for crushing blow), queer old dean (for dear old queen), swell foop (for fell swoop) and half-warmed fish (for half-formed wish).

Respected for his scholarship, Spooner was not particularly comfortable with his unintended fame. He is said to have scolded an audience with, "You haven't come for my lecture, you just want to hear one of those. . .things."

Everyday Expressions from Shakespeare

Although his exact birth date is unknown, William Shakespeare was baptized on April 26th, 1564 at Stratford-upon-Avon. One of the greatest writers in the English language, his works have been translated into every living language and his plays are performed more often than any other playwright. His writing has also provided the English language with many everyday expressions. I don’t know if they qualify as quoting Shakespeare, but they are certainly useful.

• Come full circle (King Lear)
• Eaten out of house and home (King Henry IV, Part II)
• Every mother’s son (A Midsummer Night’s Dream)
• Foregone conclusion (Othello)
• Forever and a day (As You Like It)
• Good riddance (Troilus and Cressida)
• One fell swoop (Macbeth)
• Pound of flesh (The Merchant of Venice)
• Primrose path (Hamlet)
• Quiet as a lamb (King John)

When to use titles

In excruciatingly correct correspondence, the name of a person, whether on an envelope or in the salutation of a letter, is preceded by a title. Honorific titles such as Mr., Ms., Mrs. or Miss, are used simply as a matter of courtesy. Professional titles, such as Dr., Senator, or Reverend, are used in both social and business correspondence.

While it is never wrong to use a title in professional correspondence, using a title in personal correspondence depends on how familiar the writer is with the recipient and the formality of the occasion. If you are writing a thank you note to a neighbor who is a doctor, you would most likely address it to "Jim Kenny", and begin it with "Dear Jim". If you are sending him a formal wedding invitation, it would be addressed to "Dr. James B. Kenny."

Source: A Gentleman Pens a Note, John Bridges and Bryan Curtis

Cliffhangers and other seasonal sayings

As the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament heads toward the Final Four, I've been treated to any number of exciting games that were undecided until the final buzzer. Since I anticipate seeing several more, I've rounded up some of the tried and true descriptions of close contests:

 

• thriller
• cliffhanger
• nail-biter
• white-knuckler
• heart-stopper
• barn burner
• down to the wire
• final second
• squeaker

If you make every game a life and death proposition, you're going to have problems. For one thing, you'll be dead a lot. -Dean Smith

 

Melba Toast Day

In some quarters, March 23rd is considered Melba Toast Day, the day in 1901 that Dame Nellie Melba supposedly revealed the secret of the toast named after her.  One of a number of foods named after people, Melba toast was actually invented around 1897.

Chef Auguste Escoffier created Melba toast for Nellie Melba, an Australian soprano, who had complained that her toast was never thin enough. Escoffier took lightly toasted bread, cut it in half, then toasted it again, resulting in a very thin, crisp bread. It was one of the few foods that appealed to Dame Nellie when she was ill and it soon became one of the staples of her diet. 

Escoffier also creat Peach Melba for the singer. The dessert consists of vanilla ice cream, peaches and raspberry sauce. Not surprisingly, there is an official Peach Melba Day in the U.S. It's January 13th. Mark your calendars if you're in need of a reason to eat dessert.